Separate Lives
by McDreamyGirl
Summary: This story takes place in the season finale. Everything that happened in the final episode dialogue and all is included but with a minor twist! MerDer of course!


_**Separate Lives**_

**_  
Here is a short one-time fic based on the song by Phil Collins called Separate Lives. It's one of my all time favorite songs and thought that it would fit Mer/Der perfectly. This takes place during last season's finale.  
_**

_**It goes without saying that I do not own any of the characters, they just inspire me to write, write, write! **_

"Lets dance." Finn told Meredith as he guided her to the dance floor putting his hand carefully on her back. Finn smiled as he led her to the dance floor. He was falling for her and for the first time in a long time he wanted to move on with his life. He had pined over his wife and had mourned her and now he needed to make himself happy again. Meredith might be the one person that could make that happen. Finn knew that someone else was on her mind at times and that was why her heart was so guarded towards him and he even understood that. She could not give herself completely to him right now but he would be patient and he would wait her out. After all, he understood the necessity of being patient with the other person. You couldn't pressure them to fall for you, the only thing that you could do was do the best that you could and try to make them realize that you were the one for them.

"Okay." Meredith said as she let him guide her. She had invited him to the prom because she was finally able to accept the fact that it was over with Derek and she needed to go forward – preferably with someone that didn't have much baggage and she really did enjoy spending time with Finn. Derek and she were finally over so she could finally let go – at least she would try. The fight they had in the stairwell was the one thing that she would never forgive him for. While he had not called her a whore outright, the meaning behind his comments had and for him to judge her was insane. She was so glad that she reminded him that the reason she had been so messed up the past couple of months was because of him and he needed to look at himself in the mirror before he passed judgment. Jerk! Meredith thought as she willed herself back into reality and focused on Finn.

At the other end of the room was Derek: "Lets dance." Addison stated. He guided her to the dance floor as he looked down at her and smiled. "You look beautiful today." He said and smiled at her. He didn't want to hurt her but he couldn't bring himself to love her unconditionally like he had before. Honestly, he didn't even know if he loved her at all anymore. He would always care for her – always -- but did that mean that he was in love with her? His feelings for her were strong. He felt loyalty towards her. He felt tenderness towards her and he even felt remorse because he could understand how his actions might have influenced her into accepting Mark's advances when they had lived in Manhattan. But all in all it didn't answer his question: was he still in love with his wife?

"I can't believe we're here at prom." Addison smiled as she let him hug her and take her in his arms. This felt so wonderful she thought. The jealousy tirade she spat at him the day before was out of her mind for now. It was true – every word she had told the Chief was true. She knew Derek was in love with Meredith but right now she didn't want to think about it and she didn't want to concentrate on what that meant for their marriage. Right now she wanted to live in a world where her husband was devoted to her and loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

Addison didn't want to think about Derek's eyes and how day-by-day the light seemed to go out of them just a little bit more each day. She didn't want to think about how his demeanor when Meredith was around became tense and full of – if she wasn't mistaken – sexual tension. However, the saddest thing was that even though she felt the sexual tension she knew that her husband wasn't cheating on her, well at least not in the physical sense – in his mind and in his heart was another matter. He was acting the way he was because he wasn't cheating on her and that made him miserable. Why -- because his mind, his heart and even his body wanted to be with Meredith.

**_You called me from the room in your hotel  
All full of romance for someone that you met  
And telling me how sorry you were  
Leaving so soon  
And that you miss me sometimes when you're alone in your room  
Do I feel lonely to?_**

Meredith let herself be swayed by the music. Finn had just told her that he had plans and she had smiled and responded that it was okay that he had plans so why was she currently staring intently into Derek's eyes? Why did it seem that with just one look they seemed to understand what the other was thinking and feeling? She could not let this happen to her again. She would not. She would not fall for him. Think about the stairwell Meredith; think about how humiliated you felt when he called you a whore. If she could concentrate on that she would hate him again – but why was it so hard for her to hate him? Why was it so hard to stop looking into his eyes? Damn him to hell! 

This was one of her favorite songs from Phil Collins and it always managed to hit a special cord inside her but now after what happened with Derek it was so much more meaningful. She wanted things to work out with Finn. She wanted to be happy with him and she had voiced it to Derek. He might not like it – even though the way he decided to tell her that he disapproved was by calling her a whore which she wasn't and she had let him know that if that is what he thought of her it was his fault. He made her like this. He broke her. Why did the word whore constantly come into her mind? She had been totally affected by it, of course. It gnawed at her that he thought her a whore. It killed her.

**_You have no right to ask me how I feel  
You have no right to speak to me so kind  
We can't go on just holding on to ties  
Now that we're living separate lives_**

Derek could not take his eyes off of her and his gaze softened considerably as he continued to watch her. It had started off as a pointed look and he had wanted to turn his face and ignore her and to prove to her – and him -- that it was really over her but he couldn't do it – he had to see her, breathe her in, even if it was from afar. She looked so beautiful today. He remembered as she descended down the stairs how his heart had soared. He wanted to be the one to greet her at the bottom of the stairs, kiss her and walk with her hand in hand to the prom that night but he couldn't. It was to die for. It was to kill over. The rage bubbling inside of him did not lessen; on the contrary, as the days went by it incremented and pretty soon he was not even sure what he was going to do with so much rage – it was going to be so hard to keep it bottled up inside.

Right now the object of his murderous thoughts was the damn vet. He was holding her so close…so close that he felt like leaving Addison on the dance floor, going up to the vet and separating them physically. The worst thing was that Meredith had been looking into the vet's eyes and smiling before he held her captive with his gaze. That's what he wanted – to hold her captive, to let her know that she was driving him crazy, to make her understand that she was not the only one who was suffering with this decision. To let her know that he still wanted her, still needed her and most importantly still loved her – even though he had not told her that he loved her ever. 

This damn song was making him feel so many things at the same time and it was true he had no right to ask her how she felt; he had no right to tell her he was concerned for her. After all, what was he to her now? Nothing. But when you love someone doesn't logic go out the door? Of course it does -- especially in the circumstances that they were in. He knew he had no right to feel jealous, he knew he had no right to want to kill the vet, he knew he had no right to want to tell her to wait for him; that they both could figure things out. But again, logic went out the door where she was concerned.

This was lunacy! She had just said something to Finn and was walking away from him and even if it cost him his life he had to know what was going on. "I have to go and check on a patient." He found himself telling Addison. Where did that come from? How did he manage to outright lie to his wife for Meredith but there would be no stopping him now! He was going to talk to her…he had to. He was sick and tired of fighting his feelings for her and fighting with her.

He was still so angry…so angry at the emotions that she stirred in him. One way or another he needed to end this lunacy. He needed to see where she stood, what she thought, what her feelings were because he was so mad, so mad! Why? What was this? She drove him crazy. She drove him to do things that he knew he shouldn't be doing yet there he ready to follow her like a damn idiot, leaving his wife behind on the dance floor.

**_Well I have learned to let you go  
And if you lost your love for me  
Will you never let it show  
There was no way to compromise  
So now we're living (living)  
Separate lives_**

"It just got really hot in here." Meredith found herself saying. What was she doing? Why couldn't she stop looking at Derek? His gaze on her was making her feel shortness of breath. "I just need to go and splash a bit of cold water on my face. I'll be right back." She said, as she made a beeline for the hallway. Damn him, damn him, damn him, what was this hold he had on her? Why couldn't she be happy with Finn? Why couldn't any of her relationships work? She wanted Derek but she couldn't have him! Damn him, damn him, damn him! Finn was so perfect for her and she couldn't give him her all -- because of Derek. When was this love she felt for him going to end? Why couldn't she move on?

Derek immediately followed her down the hallway. "Meredith." He said, anxiously. Where was she going? What was she doing? Most importantly, why was he following her? Damn her, damn her, damn her!

"Derek. Leave me alone. Go away." She said as she started jogging to an exam room. She needed to get away from him. She needed to be alone for a few minutes, gather her thoughts and compose herself so she could go back to Finn and pretend that the look that transpired between Derek and herself had not happened.

**_Oh, it's so typical  
Love leads to isolation  
So you build that wall  
You built that wall  
Yes, you build that wall  
You built that wall  
And you make it stronger_**

"Meredith." He said as he ran to catch up with her and to catch the door before she went in and locked it because he knew that if he didn't reach it, she would lock it. And he would be damned if he was not going to speak his mind.

"Leave me alone." She repeated. "Why are you doing this to me? Why are you looking at me? Stop looking at me!" she said, exasperated. She was about to blow up, she was two seconds shy from losing it and she was going to tell him everything. How much she still loved him, how much she needed him, how much she missed him. If he didn't leave right now or respond to her accusations she would spill and she didn't want that. It had taken her months to be able to look him in the face and smile. It had been months to where she became a fraction of who she was before Derek entered into the picture.

"I am not looking at you." He exclaimed, then repeated more loudly and with tone: "I am not looking at you!" What was she thinking? To call him on how he looked at her? He was trying here. He was doing his best not to look at her. Did she think that he wanted to look at her? Did she think that he enjoyed when she drove him to madness? Did she think that he enjoyed being the jealous boyfriend when he had a wife but also was not even the freaking boyfriend! She was out of her freaking mind if she thought that he enjoyed this.

"You are looking at me. Every time I step out of an exam room, you're looking at me. And I am trying here. I am trying to be happy and Finn he's perfect, he's just perfect for me but I can't. I can't because your looking at me and when you look at me I can't breathe and when you look at me I don't know what to do. So just stop looking at me! Because Derek you are looking at me!" she said, frustration making her yell almost at the top of her lungs. How dare he say that he was not looking at her? How dare he deny it?

Meredith couldn't even look at him anymore so she turned her back to him. She had heard women say that they couldn't stay away from men who hurt them because they loved them and she used to wonder why they would stick around - it was insane and uncalled for…the punishment that they put their heart through yet here she was doing the same damned thing.

She almost startled when he heard him respond: "Do you think I want to look at you? Do you not think that I would rather be looking at my wife?" he said as he snickered. She knew he would be on a roll now. There would be no stopping him and maybe this was good – maybe just maybe this would finally be the one fight that would end them. Not that they hadn't tried before. "She doesn't drive me crazy! She makes me feel normal, she doesn't make me sick to my stomach imagining my vet with his hands all over her!" he said as he took a deep breath. There. He had said it. What had been goading him for weeks now, the fact that she was dating the damn vet! He had finally said it out loud.

Derek had every intention of telling her right then and there that they couldn't do this anymore but hadn't he told her that in the stairwell? He had not meant it. He had been jealous and angry and he had lashed out. He did not want to think about her in his vet's shirt…he did not! It killed him every time and made him angrier by the second.

It was then that she turned to look at him but did not utter a word. Her glare was so defiant and so ready to do battle, that it did him in. Truth was that he didn't want to fight her anymore. He had lost and that was okay because all he wanted to do now was kiss her and hold her and have her again. Damn the consequences. He had been denied too long. He lunged towards her and embraced and kissed her at the same time. He didn't want her to pull back. He wanted her to feel what he was feeling. He wanted to convey to her the feeling of utter helplessness that he was feeling. He wanted her to feel how much he loved her even if he couldn't voice it out loud – to her or even to himself.

Meredith was taken aback if only for a second with Derek's kiss. As she felt his lips on hers, her first instinct had been to jump back but as he embraced her, her reservations went out the window and her hands automatically went to the back of his neck. Feeling him again felt like heaven. She had wanted to kiss, hug him and caress him so many times and she hadn't been able to and now that it was happening – even if she knew it was wrong – she was going to go with it. She just wanted to be with him. Was it a crime? If it was, God help her!

"I need you." She heard Derek say to her. "Right now" he finalized as his head dipped to her chest. Right then and there she knew she was lost. She would let him do anything he wanted to do to her. She belonged to him. Had always belonged to him and now they were just coming home…to one another. 

**_Well you have no right  
To ask me how I feel  
You have no right  
To speak to me so kind  
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes_**

Their eyes connected and they both smiled at each other – not believing that this was happening. All the love that was pent up inside of them evident in the way their bodies touched and the way their hands seemed to have a mind of their own. They refused even for a second to be apart. It was like a magnet was pulling them towards each other and both of them did not want to fight it. They were done fighting themselves – at least for right now.

**_But for now, we'll go on living separate lives  
Yes for now, we'll go on living separate lives  
Separate lives_**

"Meredith?" he said as she looked up at him nervously. "Meredith." He said again… "What happens now?" he questioned as he saw her still looking for her black panties. Who cared about that? He needed to know what was going to happen. What did their lovemaking mean? Was she going to want to be with him now? What was it that she wanted? Hell…what did he want after this?

"Meredith." He heard Callie from the door and immediately turned around to zip his pants. "Izzie needs you." She said as he turned and saw Meredith make a beeline for the door. Damn. He thought to himself. Why didn't he lock the door? They hadn't planned this but that was a huge oversight. Callie had stated that Izzie needed her; he wondered what was going on? No time to think about that now. His thoughts only centered on Meredith and what they had done. As sorry as he knew he should be he had to admit that he couldn't. Making love to her had felt like home and he wanted to stay there. He wanted her to be with him. He needed her to be with him.

Suddenly Addison came to his mind and guilt overtook him. How could it not? She had done everything possible to try to mend their relationship and so had he but today he broke his vows. He knew what it meant and he knew what he had to do. He just felt horrible doing it. For months he had been so angry at her and when she started calling him before she came to Seattle Grace he should have told Meredith the truth yet he had not known that she would come. That's what happens when you delete messages before listening to them. He had been angry with Addison and he had thought his marriage truly over.

Addison had made a good point when she told him that they had been a family and that they had been happy and that maybe just maybe she was the love of his life. That made him doubt and suddenly knew that the right thing to do was to fight for his marriage because the guilt of neglecting her had come to haunt him finally and he realized that maybe she had fallen for Mark because of that. But now…now he just did not know how to break the news to her of what he had done. One thing was for sure he would never be able to judge her from his high horse anymore. He never felt like he did but in this precise moment he actually understood a bit more why she had been unfaithful.

He made his way out the door and towards the hall. He saw that Addison and Finn were talking, smiling and laughing at something one or the other had said and his guilt came back tenfold – not for Finn but for his wife. He nervously approached them as the Chief asked him if he had seen any of Bailey's interns. He shook his head no and rubbed his hand through his hair. Where was she? What had happened? He needed to talk to her.

They all turned as the Chief signaled that someone was coming down the hall. He saw her then…teary and with swollen eyes. What had happened? Then he saw and heard Izzie and understood. Denny had died. Poor Izzie.

"Well I guess that puts an end to the evening." Stated Addison as she patted the Chief's back and walked with him leaving Derek behind.

"I'll give you a ride home." Finn told Meredith as he made his way to the elevators but stopped and turned abruptly as he felt her not moving. As he turned he saw her look at Derek and he knew. He knew that Derek was the man that Meredith had been pining over, the man that broke her heart; and the man that she still loved apparently.

"Meredith." Derek called out to her. It was time for her to choose. He had made his choice; he had been with her and was hell bent on telling Addison the truth it was her turn now.

"Meredith." Finn called out to her as well. It was time for her to let go of Derek and to try and start a future with him. She deserved to be happy and he knew that he could make her happy.

Meredith looked from one man to the next and her heart bled. How had she got to this point? It was so hard to walk towards Derek. After all they had been through her heart could not take one more disappointment and what if she chose him and he couldn't finish what he had started tonight?

She turned to Finn. So wonderful…so utterly patient…so full of loyalty and tenderness! She'd be a fool not to walk to him but was patience, loyalty and tenderness enough? Was being safe in his arms enough? What about love?

**_But for now we'll go on living separate lives  
Yes, for now we'll go on living separate lives_**

She closed her eyes for one second and decided to listen to her broken heart and let it make the choice for her. She smiled as she opened her eyes and looked at Finn. She walked to him, kissed his cheek and uttered with tears in her eyes: "Finn you are a wonderful man. Any woman who has the fortune of sharing her life with you will be a very lucky woman. Unfortunately, when we met my heart was already taken and I never really got it back. I'm sorry." She said, as she saw Finn nod his head, half smile and utter: "I wish you the best. You are an extraordinary woman."

She saw him walk to the elevator then turned to look at Derek who was staring at her with tears in his eyes and walked to her as he embraced her tightly and kissed her lightly on the lips. "What happens now?" she asked.

They didn't know but they would figure it out – together.


End file.
